Food should have no noise

Just imagine people are the dinner table conversing politely, in between dusting off bites of their dinner. Otherwise, their lips are superglued shut to contain the food whirling around inside. Then imagine the silver glint of the pieces of cutlery, as they glide around the plate like professional figure skaters, and satisfyingly, nobody’s limbs are placed on the table.

On this occasion, my opinion has dramatically worsened. The significance of table manners in my life beforehand was extremely low. Now they are massively noticeable. I am not sure how a habit I was oblivious to beforehand aggravates me so much now.

Surely it must take more effort to make noise than it does to eat quietly? Sometimes I am forced under the impression people do it with intent, in order to sustain a reaction. As it is said ‘Eating loudly is a choice, not an affliction’. I find it amusing visualising how I would react ever being placed on a TV programme such as Come Dine with Me. As I lack cooking skills and the ability to deal with people’s eating habits, so I would flop unsuccessfully. But as a huge fan of Big Brother, it is pure torment when the housemate’s microphone is located on their collar whilst their food is entering their mouth. When the infuriating noise is even coming out of the television, it is almost impossible to find an escape.

I believe it is also self-inflicted on my behalf. Mentally, it causes stress for a minute and silly reason. In my head, I formed a positive correlation between how much I hear people slapping their lips whilst eating, and the amount of discomfort I endure.

It is always a good sign when a person’s eating habits go unnoticed. But sometimes, I spring to the realisation that it is merely a scrape or a slap or an elbow on a table, and that the person is only “enjoying their food”. Although, the inkling of dread still exists when that particularly loud member of the family is invited round for dinner.

Some people have access to special abilities that make it physically possible to make quiet foods sound loud. Or making a still liquid, create a huge ‘SLURPPP’.  Whereas, in Japan slurping loudly whilst eating noodles shows that the food is delicious and it is considered rude not to slurp. It is like a parallel universe.